Five Tips for Abducting a Human Without Being Caught

Short Stories

“Five Tips for Abducting a Human Without Being Caught” is a short list of silly tips written by a human, er, an alien for aliens. Originally published by Third Flatiron Publishing.


Five Tips for Abducting a Human Without Being Caught

Draft One


By Sarina Dorie


Sure, everyone loves a good abduction now and again. But with new laws in place to protect PPPs (Primitive Planetary Peoples), one is left wondering if it’s worth the risk. If caught and convicted by interstellar patrol, one faces a 10,000 credit fine and up to 4 months in the immobilization chamber. If intercepted by a human military operation, you’ll wish it was only the ‘alien probe’ they were using on you. Stay ahead of the authorities and suspicious humans with these surefire tips.


1. Avoid the PPPs with aluminum foil hats. They obviously know of your our existence and have discovered our technology isn’t able to penetrate certain Earth metals. Detectors are often scrambled by state of the art electronics hidden under straw hats, particularly those worn by farmers in Molalla, Oregon.

2. Don’t abduct me farmers. Chances are you’ve already been having fun making crop circles and mutilating Bessie someone’s blue ribbon Jersey cow. Do you really need to leave any more evidence in one place?

3. Turn on the headlights to the spaceship. Yes, this increases your chances of being spotted, but at least you won’t crash into trees, human-crafted airplanes, and tall silos containing barley. Imagine how the evidence against you will look when paint from the dent in that silo is matched with your ship in an interstellar court.

4. The more times you abduct me a PPP, the more they grow resistant to mind-wipe techniques. This means it will be easier for them to identify you in an interstellar court—which one would reckon they’d have learned about if they were abducted twenty-six times.

5. If I’m If a farmer wearing a straw hat with tin foil underneath, whom you’ve abducted multiple times over seven years, whose field you’ve made crop circles in and whose cattle you’ve mutilated, has a silo and a tall, red barn which your spacecraft might crash into, it really would be best to move on to a different human. Or better yet, another planet.


The End


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