12 of the Funniest Moments at Rose City Romance Writers’ Spring Intensive With Damon Suede


Earlier this spring I went to the Rose City Romance Writer’s Spring Intensive. There were two incredible presenters, a great lunch spread and a fun cocktail party in the evening for readers to meet authors. Overall, I learned a lot and found the presenters pretty entertaining. As a humor author, I am always looking for gold nuggets from real life to put into my fiction. Presenter, Damon Suede gave a great talk that focused on marketing and brand but also he was very funny. Below are some of his gems of wisdom that I wrote down. I can imagine some character in the future in one of my stories saying things like this.



“That’s not writing. It’s puking out of her fingers.”

–In reference to someone who writes a book a week.



“If it wasn’t for friction, fucking wouldn’t feel good.”

— attributed to his mother Damon Suede’s mother, on why conflict and fiction is needed in fiction—and life.



“Go and excrete and come back in ten minutes.”

–time for a break



“The more you cry, the less you piss.”

–another interesting quote that I can’t recall the context



“Cunt is my brand.”

–the response of a romance writer when it was suggested she change her tactics in how she conducts herself to others, and her rudeness to fans



We’re not cockroaches. We are writers. The same thing doesn’t work the same for each of us.”

–why Damon’s book is a choose your own adventure



“When you say you are ‘cool as a cucumber’ you are reaching down into the garbage from three nights ago, that is how much you care.”

–on the subject of cliches



“Lana Turner was not discovered in a drugstore. It is a myth. She was sleeping with her publicist. She was 15. He was 45. They needed a better story.”



“I don’t want historical romance. I want people eating babies out of babyfood jars.”

–on the subject of branding (I no longer remember why I liked this quote, but I do remember that in Africa people jars of food have pictures of what is on them and people in Africa thought the baby food contained babies so it didn’t sell well.)



“Marshmallow fluff with tacks inside”

–the brand of one author



“Spicy doggy in yee olde times.”

–what one romance author was known for but didn’t realize was her brand



“Changing brands is like climbing a glass mountain rubbed in bacon fat.”

–I guess it doesn’t work very well. Or it isn’t recommended.


Why do I like humor so much? I write humor. To check out one of my collections of funny short stories available on Amazon: Ghosts, Werewolves and Zombies–Oh My!